Friday, 31 August 2012
I was in the process of discussing health insurance with a patient when I saw my iphone light up from the corner of my eye. Today was day seven, I've been approaching today with some positivity and uneasiness. The Dermatologist told me the results would take 5-7 days. I wasn't sure how I wanted the results approached, at one point I had talked myself into a peaceful denial " I am only 29, it's the hormones showing, I am a hypochondriac, and I want to enjoy my holiday weekend worry free" I also got a little jittery at times and swore that I was going to get on the phone and demand those results, because I had to show cancer who it was possibly messing with. In the end I didn't call because of superstitious reasons that demanding an answer could jinx me. I somehow kept my conversation with the patient going even though my mind was far away in cancer land.
When I listened to the voicemail it was the dermatologist personally. I heard his voice....I swore I shit my pants. This has to be so so bad. I returned his call and tried to take down everything he was telling me without actually breaking down at any words I didn't like to hear.
His phone manner surpassed his shitty bedside manner and he explained my mole biopsy. The results came back "severely atypical" he did stress that no cancer was found, but described it as somehow pre-cancerous and happy that we removed it when we did. He also explained that all of the margins came back clean ( apparently meaning still no cancer cells) but that he would still like to send me to a surgeon to remove more skin around the area. I don't quite understand this, especially because the margins are clear, on the other hand it does make sense for preventative reasons because this sort of thing could possibly return.
I did receive good news but it still felt like a freight train hitting me. I quickly called for coverage of my office while I stealthy snuck back to the bathroom to sob all of my emotions out of me. I may be a hypochondriac but I refuse to look like an overemotional psychotic employee. I cried for quite sometime, not exactly sure why. IT WASN"T CANCER!!!!STOP!! ACTING CRAZY! I think I was just overwhelmed with finally receiving results after all that worry.
Do you think I am satisfied though ? I still have sat here worrying myself about how close to cancer I was and which one of these filthy little fucker moles that cover my body is going to kill me ? I stare them down to intimidate them. In all honesty I do wonder what is brewing under every little mark, and I am trying my best to just be happy with the news I received.
This is the first time something moderately serious has happened to me, and I am having a weird time handling it. I am the type of person who loves perfection. I'd restart the Mario game if I didn't get the bonus mushroom because I wanted a perfect point level. It seems like anything wrong, any kind of ailment is unacceptable. Who the hell want's to live tarnished ??!
Anyway, the hospital was very fast at calling and scheduling the rest of the removal in a few weeks. I plan on annoying the shit out of everyone I meet there and asking for one more look over. I am glad my Derm caught this one but he looked me over a little too quickly without looking under my panties and bra...and without asking me to lift my arms to reveal the hide and seek mole on my armpit. Hopefully I can rest with one more look over.